Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize