....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
