you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
