The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Oh god it's open bar.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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