my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
