I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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