I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
