I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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