dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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