she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
