okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
