I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
