When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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