I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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