ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
