My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
