I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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