I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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