girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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