i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
