Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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