i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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