We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
