Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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