I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
