hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
