This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
