A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Bring me that man meat
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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