Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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