My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we're making bets on your personal life
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
