He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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