Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I yelled at your uterus for you.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
