is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
ok first of all what the fuck
God, I missed his penis.
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