Don't make out with my wife yet
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
