Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
