Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize