You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
