she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
