I seem to have left my pride at pride
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
third nipple confirmed
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
