there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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