Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
