This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
