dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Randomize
