My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
