since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
