if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
