Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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