hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
