Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
