Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
