His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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