Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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