You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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