My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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