I think I just saw someone hide a body.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
