I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
