oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
