I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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